To Annoy the Villians
by storiewriter
Summary: Pretty much a many number of ways to annoy, anger or cause great pain to eight certain villians. Not all that funny, for this is my first story under 'humor'. Complete.
1. Cluny the Scourge

A/N: Not that funny, but good enough, I suppose.

**20 Ways To Annoy/ Cause Great Pain To Cluny The Scourge.**

1. Sneak into his camp and steal his eyepiece.

2. Somehow capture Cluny and introduce him to Basil Stag Hare.

3. Tell Cluny that he is a horrible leader and that even Ragear would be better at the job.

4. Chop off his tail.

5. When talking, interrupt him and tell him, "Aw, go fall out 'o a tree."

6. Interrupt Cluny and yell loudly, "Huh? Huh? What did you say?" every time you hear him talking.

7. Inform him that his horde is about to rebel against him and go to Redwall's side.

8. Politely tell him that he is insane.

9. Yell to the entire horde that Cluny has nightmares about butterflies and daisies.

10. Introduce him to a hungry Asmodeous.

11. Casually tell him that the tapestry is going to be taken from him soon (before Basil and Jess do it) and laugh at him when he ignores you and it is taken.

12. Wag your paw/finger at him and tell him that he should stop playing 'Capture Redwall' and go to bed.

13. Tell him that he is spawn of toads, frogs, and eels mixed together.

14. Chop off his tail _and_ force-feed it to him.

15. Chase him, tie him up, and sprinkle flowers over his head.

16. Yell in horror that there is an angry looking mouse in armor, growing bigger and bigger all the while, heading towards his tent.

17. Introduce him to the Warrior Cats, and politely tell him that they want to eat him.

18. Give him a small dose of Rat Poison.

19. Remind him about the unsuccessful siege on Redwall, and how his horde was hurt badly by the hornets and the vegetable oil. And then tell him that a little squirrelbabe had done that.

20. Lastly, show him this list.


	2. Gabool the Wild

A/N: Thanks to **Mossstar, ladyofthebookworms, avelblue, **and** Sorcha O'Reilly **for reviewing this horrible fanfic.

**avelblue-** Yes, this is to be extremely pointless. I really didn't think that it was all that funny, and this one isn't that much better, but that's me, not you.

Thank you, all!

**20 Ways to Annoy,Anger, and ect. Gabool The Wild**

1. Set fire to all of his ships, ESPECIALLY to his prize one.

2. Give him an enormous bell for his birthday.

3. Spread rumors of his nightmares of bells amongst his corsairs.

4. Dare him to fight a scorpion.

5. Take all of his jewelry/treasure.

6. Tie him up, and beat him sensless with a Gullwhacker.

7. Ring the bell of Joseph the Bellmaker.

8. Shake your head and ask him how he, leader of a great many corsairs, was beaten by a simple mousemaid.

9. While he is sleeping, tie a rope around his neck, quickly carry him out onto the cliff, tie the other end of the rope to a large boulder, wake him up, and, before he can do anything, push him off the edge.

10. Ask him how a dimwit such as he became leader.

11. Politely ask him if he is going crazy.

12. Free all of his slaves.

13. Help the Terramort Resistance Against Gabool, or Trag, to get within his fort.

14. Set fire to his beard

15. Tell him where the deserters are.

16. Tell him, in the middle of the night, that the badger is within his fort.

17. Let Skrabblag loose in his chambers.

18. Let him know of a rebellion that is rising (Of course, it's false, but don't let him know _that_).

19. Take the crown and set it upon his head-and then do to him what he did to Bludrigg.

20. Finnaly, ask him if he has any eyedrops, as his eyes look really red. And when he asks you what eyedrops are, look at him in horror and say, "You don't know what EYEDROPS are? You're crazier than your captains think you are!"


	3. Badrang the Tyrant

A/N: Here it is! Thank you to those who reviewed!

**Ways to Anger, Annoy, and ect. Badrang the Tyrant**

1. Give him a pair of wooden clogs.

2. Yell in his ear in the middle of the night that the slaves are attacking yet again.

3. Dress up as the younger version of Martin the Warrior, and pursue him.

4. Throw javelins at his door.

5. Free all of his slaves.

6. Tell him that Clogg has rallied up his horde to ambush him.

7. Give him a bottle of poisoned wine.

8. Tell him that his mother must've tried to kill him when he was younger, he's that ugly.

9. Burn his front gates down.

10. Inform him that Dwurp is actually a traitor to him, and is on Clogg's side.

11. Beat him with a javelin.

12. Ask him how much of a dimwit he is.

13. Hang him up on two wooden posts during a storm.

14. Kill his horde.

15. When he is saying that the woodlanders are cowards, and that their retreat is out of fear of the horde, tell him that he is lying horrificly, and that he should wash his mouth out with soap.

16. When he starts talking, exclaim, "ENEMY!!!!!!" and run for cover as he gives out the orders, even though there isn't an enemy in sight.

17. Steal the sword of Martin the Warrior from him.

18. With a straight face, tell him that his nose is running.

19. Yell something at him, and when he turns to find you, duck behind something. Repeat this process numerous times. Note-you will need a place where there are many hiding areas.

20. Lastly-when his back is turned, team up with another person/beast, go on either side of him, and take turns making faces at him, while he looks from one of you to the other. Also, make sure to laugh at the other's pulled face.


	4. Swart Sixclaw

A/N:Thanks, all of you, for reviewing this pointless fanfic!

**20 Ways to Annoy, Anger, and ect., Swart Sixclaw**

1. Bonk him on the head with a mace.

2. Place some Bulrushes next to his bed.

3. Whisper in his ear at night, when he is asleep, (You will need to be very quick to do this) "Sunflash the Mace is coming to get you, Sunflash the Mace is coming to get you," As many times as possible before he lashes out at you.

4. Mimick smashing his six-claw paw with a hornbeam club.

5. Give him a Kestrel's feather.

6. Bind and hobble him with rawhide strips.

7. Sing the song, "I met with Six Weasels", (pg. 17 of the paperback, American edition.)

8. Tell him that he is fatter than Bowfleg.

9. Recite "Arm not, ala Sand" to him.

10. Sing, "I know a song that gets on everybeast's nerves, Everybeast's nerves. I know a song that gets on Everybeast's neves, and this is how it goes;" Over and over, loudly.

11. Ask him how high his IQ is.

12. Ask him why he has a mutilated paw, and then dodge as he takes his sword out and tries to kill you with it.

13. Hold your hear to his head, shake him, lightly (All while he is asleep), and, when he wakes, tell him that you could hear this small thing rattling within his head, and that it is probably his brain.

14.Mutilate his paw even more.

15. Bash his _other_ paw.

16. Tell him that it is a mousemaid, a ferret, and a badger who will defeat him one day.

17. Ask him if he ever had any sense at all in his life.

18. Tell him that you are currently writing a poem about his utter stupidity, and how it made him famous.

19. Tell him, "The sun is flashing! The sun is flashing!"

20. Lastly, every time he speaks, groan, plug your ears, and mutter, "Here he goes again!"


	5. Tsarmina, Lady of the Thousand Eyes

A/N: Thank Keliah for this one, he came up with most of the ideas for this.

**20 Ways to Annoy, Anger, and ect. Tsarmina, Lady of the Thousand Eyes**

1. Pour a bucket of water over her head while walking in water-absorbent clothes.

2. Yell insults at her, and hide quickly.

3. Call her to you by saying, "Here, kitty kitty kitty." Over and over. (Note: the best time to do this would be when you are in the middle of the horde, so that almost nobeast knows who exactly you are.)

4. Call her the "Daughter of Lord Greeneyes."

5. When she is in a particularly bad mood, ask her things like, "Aw, what's the matter? Didn't get enough sleep on your catnap?"

6. When she is screaming that Gingivere has poisoned Verdauga, shout, "LIAR!" or, "You've gotta be kiddin' me!"

7. Tell her that a little "bird" is going to eat her someday.

8. Tell her that she ought to start brushing her teeth more often; they're so yellow.

9. Ask her where her common sense is, and that you think that a couple of _baby_ hedgehogs wouldn't be able to give her much information about the Corim.

10. When she is talking to the horde, gather a few buddies around you(to help), and, when she is in the middle of a speech, yell, "WATER BALLOON FIGHT!!!!!!!!!" and start throwing water balloons at her. Accuracy is needed in this.

11. Ask her to come to the underground lake with you, and, when down there, pretend to trip, and push her in. Afterwards, say, "Oops!" and walk away, whistling.

12. Tie her legs together with a boulder and dump her in a large body of water.

13. Tell her that Fortuana is much prettier than she.

14. Remind her that the only thing standing between her and an angry band of woodlanders is a scrawny horde.

15. Ask her whatever gave her the idea that she could manage a horde.

16. Tell her that her 'accursed' brother has escaped.

17. Tell her that Gingivere has rallied up most of the horde, and is going to fight you.

18. Tell her that things are not what they seem.

19. Stick your toungue out at her, and run away FAST.

20. Finally, in the middle of the night, run into her room, screaming that the horde has joined the woodlanders and they're all waiting down there in the hall to execute her.


	6. Ublaz Madeyes

A/N: I apologize greatly for the delay. I started it, and then I got caught up with other things. I will try to update sooner next time.

**20 Ways to Annoy,Anger, and ect. Ublaz Madeyes**

1. Give him six pink petal wrapped marchpane balls.

2. Give him a tapestry of Martin II defeating him for his birthday.

3. Persuade the lizards to rebel.

4. Help Barranca into Ublaz's chambers.

5. Sing Grath's song to him, then put a green-fletched arrow into an area that hurts (the legs, the arms-just don't kill him.)

6. Give him a piece of red Sandstone.

7. Run into his chambers, yelling at the top of your lungs, "THE CORSAIRS ARE ATTACKING!!!" and, when he goes out there, and there _is_ no corsair in sight, blame it on a nearby Trident rat.

8. Tell him that the last name of his species is after him.

9. Give him a drawing of himself being eaten by a coral snake, or being bitten by one.

10. When he tries to hypnotize you, laugh (while bending down to look at the floor in mock laughter) and say that he couldn't hypnotize a fly.

11. Persuade the Corsairs and Searats to sail away at dawns first light, coming back with some small scorpions to set loose on the island. Then they have to hurry out of there.

12. Steal his pearl-less crown.

13. Show him one of Rasconza's knives, throw it at him, and then run away _fast_.

14. Burn all of his lumber.

15. Introduce him to Clucky.

16. Hit him on the head with a chunk of red sandstone.

17. Put six pink-petal wrapped marchpane balls in his crown, then, in full view of him, take one, and plop it in your mouth. Then run away as fast as you can.

18. Tell him of the fate of the Pearls of Lutra.

19. When he is demonstrating his power by hypnotizing the coral snake, push him, hard, into its' path.

20. Finally, put a sleeping draught in his drink at dinner, and, while he is fast asleep, tie him up, perhaps adding some chains just in case, and say annoying things to him, of which you can make up.


	7. Urgan Nagru

A/N: I will not deny that I should have updated earlier, and that this chapter...isn't the greatest. I spent about half and hour on this, you know.

Anyway, I hope it's alright...some are a bit weak, I know, but I'm fine with that.

Enjoy!

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20 Ways to Annoy, Anger, and ect. Urgan Nagru 

1. Tell him that his name is utterly idiotic, with all that 'backwards and forwards' nonsense, and point out that he is not immortal, and that Death will get him no matter what.

2. Say something about you being far superior to him, and add something about him going on and 'slopping wine'.

3. Remind him of his failure in capturing the Royal Family and co., voicing thoughts about "A drunken rat" doing better than he did.

4. Gather a group of friends, and, with whitebeam splinters clenched in your (hands, paws), steal into his room when he is asleep, softly whisper, "One, two, three!" and plunge them into Urgan's sleeping body, and run away fast.

5. Taunt him (from a safe distance) about an _otter_ and a mute _badger_ single-pawdedly killed off a good number of his rats.

6. Feed his wolfskin to the fire.

7. While he sees you, and stops suddenly, smile and, with a knife, start shredding his newly-found wolfskin coat and throw the silver claws into the moat (you need to be outside for this.)

8. Sneak up on him and hit him, hard, but not hard enough to send him into unconsciousness, with a gullwhacker.

9. Again taunt him about two simple mice and a couple of hares destroying his Dirgecallers, plus more than a score of hordebeasts, and throwing him off the scent of the Royal Family, yet again.

10. Call him a 'Jumped up jonnie goin' around wearing the skin of another creature' and 'a windbag'.

11. Tie him up (somehow) and dance around him in a chair, singing, "I know something that you don't!" over and over.

12. Ask him very sweetly if he got any rest while the 'prisoners' escaped.

13. Shove him in the moat.

14. Convince him that Silvamord is plotting against him, and do the same to Silvamord. Then proceed to watch them duke it out.

15. Tell him that even though there are puny little life forms, in his opinion, fighting him, he is still losing. Then duck out of the way.

16. Set the wolfskin on fire…with Nagru in it, and no way but to go down through air thousands of feet high.

17. Throw stale, rock-hard oatcakes at him. Numerous amounts of them until you get quite a few good shots.

18. Remind him when, he is bragging about him killing the wolf Nagru, that he actually found his corpse in a frozen stream, and that is nothing to brag about.

19. Sweetly and innocently tell again to him how a simple otter beat him-one he considered lower than him.

20. Let him spend time in a dungeon, chained to a wall, with those he hurt or killed in his past life get to torture him for an hour each. Just not kill him. (Not that he can be, but he can be knocked unconscious.)


	8. The Marlfoxes

**20 Ways to Annoy, Anger, and ect. The Marlfoxes **

1. Take a dart and, while he is sleeping, plunge it into the tip of Ascrod's nose. Naturally, you need to be able to run away fast.

2. Take away all of Queen Silth's beautiful items.

3. Stab Gelltor in the shoulder that doesn't have the flesh torn off with a javelin.

4. Go into dark corners of Queen Silth's bedchambers, and whisper, "_Death is coming_," and things like that.

5. Dress up in a white sheet and parade around the Queen's bedchambers, moaning loudly and saying that you have come to bring her to Death.

6. Throw Queen Silth into the Teeth of the Lake.

7. Hang the Marlfoxes by their tails over the lake so that their snouts are _just _within reach of the Teeth of the Lake, and they have to jerk their heads out of the way.

8. Start a rumor that the water rats are planning a rebellion.

9. Remind Mokkan's siblings (except Lantur) of his witty betrayal.

10. Tie Mokkan up in a chair and whisper in his ear, "Never trust a vixen, never trust a vixen," over and over until he finally goes insane.

11. Whack Vannan over the head with a loaded sling, wait until he wakes up, and do it again. Just make sure he doesn't die.

12. _After_ taking away Silth's beautiful objects, surround her with ghastly ones, ones that give her nightmares.

13. Likewise with Mokkan, render Silth bedridden, and present to her her goblet, full of damson wine, cackling, "Da foxie out-ed fox-ed, Da foxie- out-ed fox-ed."

14. Hang the tapestry in an empty, locked, smooth-walled room just out of Mokkan's reach.

15. Put them to sleep somehow, and then shave them, including their tails, so that _all_ the fur is gone.

16. Dip them in a vat of non-removable fluorescent pink paint.

17. Stretch the cloaks over a board as a canvas to paint pretty scenes with bright butterflies and flowers on them.

18. Get a bunch of garbage and fur clippings, pile it up in their castle near their rooms, and set fire to each of the piles.

19. Take some paint, and paint one of the Marlfox's whiskers, and plant the paint in another Marlfox's room. Shave the tail of that Marlfox, and plant the razor in _another's_ room. Continue humiliations in this manner, until you have created a good circle or web of blame among the Marlfoxes. They fight each other off, you escape safely, and all is well.

20. Introduce them to Keliah's wicked mind.

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A/N: Don't know if the last one would work... I think it would.

And just to let you know, I have to give credit to Eruravenne (she is currently Co-Writing _Surviving the Sues_ with me), as she helped me out in the last few, 15-19. The rest aren't all that funny...are they. Oh, well. It's alright.


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